


This is a Stupid Idea

by kisioux (orphan_account)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: getting eren to be more selfish basically yeah, in that he only cares about killing titans/protecting humanity, kinda like a dare/challenge type thing, light-hearted things, which is kind of boring in everyday life right
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-18 01:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kisioux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During a short, blessed period of time, during which there are no Titan attacks, Eren's "friends" (namely Jean) challenge him to do something that's relatively stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> it's kind of like a dare thing? but i've always liked the idea of jean and eren constantly one-upping each other, so let's appeal to their egos and call it a challenge 8^)  
> i remember being challenged/dared to do really dumb stuff to my teachers back in secondary school, so i guess this stems from that too lol. yes this is gonna be a weeee e e bit shippy ((more than a lil))
> 
> i havent written for snk before, i havent actually written at all in a while (my last fanfic was like a year ago, an unfinished hs one...whoops) it might take me a short while to get back into the swing of things. ps, i call the corporal "rivaille" because it sounds WAY more european...but in hindsight, levi is a german name (maybe), and would fit with the constant theme of germanic things...even "huber" is a name from the mountains in the french side of the border of germany, so ye, thats where i think it's set. or maybe austria or something haha (i might convert to "levi" later but for now ill just stick with rivaille...

“Y’know, Eren, you’re kind of a coward.”

There was a ripple of gasps across the table, and Mikasa in particular glared at the one who spoke; Jean. It had been a while since him or Eren had made some sort of petty remark about each other.

“Eren’s not a coward!” Armin protested immediately. “He’s saved all of us with his abilities-”

Jean waved a hand dismissively. “No, no. I don’t mean that. That stuff is life or death, right? Loads of us kill Titans. I mean  _life skills_.”

Eren took a moment to contemplate the fact that what Jean just said made absolutely no sense. Since when was killing Titans  _not_  a life skill? But then again, this sort of thing usually happened; Jean would occasionally think of any old bullshit reason to make a jab at Eren. Sometimes, it seemed like they were on good terms. But at other times, he would pull shit like this.

“If killing Titans isn’t a life skill, then what is it?” Armin demanded, but the sound of Sasha’s fork clanging down on her plate covered his words effectively, allowing Jean to pretend that Armin didn’t speak at all.

“Everyone always talks about me for having courage,” Eren snapped, loudly enough for someone on another table to turn their head. Killing Titans required the most bravery, according to Eren himself (and anyone with a brain). Was that not enough?

“For doing the right thing, sure,” Jean remarked snidely, carding a hand through his light hair. “I’m talking on a smaller, more individualistic scale. I thought that was obvious.”

“It wasn’t obvious,” Mikasa said quietly, tearing a piece of bread. “We don’t have time to be messing around for our own selfish reasons.”

Jean stopped, his cheeks going red. “Y-yeah, well, sure, but-”

“No, I get what he means!” Sasha said excitedly, finally gaining interest in the conversation after having eaten the last crumb on her plate.

“Then please, elaborate,” Mikasa said coolly, and Eren felt a rush of gratefulness for his pseudo-sister once again.

Everyone leant forwards as Sasha spoke. “Like when I stole the food; the meat, the potato! Or when Jean sort of confessed to you, or maybe when Connie-”

“Oi!” Connie cut her off. “I trusted you, don’t tell anyone that!”

Every pair of eyes on the table flickered towards Connie questioningly. He sank down in his seat, obviously not wanting to explain.  _Perhaps another time_ , Eren thought.  _Connie isn’t going to crack today._

Jean cleared his throat. “Well, you’ve said enough, Sasha,” he muttered.

“I don’t see anything honourable about any of those things,” Eren stated, pushing his remaining food around on his plate; Sasha’s eyes were fixated onto it.

Jean’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean by that?”

Armin intervened quickly, before Jean’s obvious interest in Mikasa could become the subject of yet another argument. “Please don’t argue! And don’t do anything reckless, either…”

Sasha, meanwhile, tightened her ponytail, before inching her hand slowly towards Eren’s plate.  _Nobody is noticing me_ , she thought excitedly _. I can do this, I can do this-_

“Sasha,” Mikasa said warningly.

Sasha sat upright, quicker than humanly possible. Her face paled, like a criminal that has been caught.

Eren shook his head. “No, you can have it. It looks disgusting; I don’t want the rest.”

“Really?” Sasha exclaimed, looking as if some sort of great blessing had befallen her. She grabbed his plate and shovelled the remaining gruel down her throat. How she could stand it was beyond any living human being.

_But that’s just it_ , Eren thought.  _This is what Jean was talking about. Crime…with a personal reward. That’s why people do it, right? For themselves…_  

“It’s a valuable skill to learn,” Jean said, redirecting the topic with bravado. “You said at the start that I was too selfish. But if all you think about is Titans and the safety of other people, you’ll never get anywhere. The best people are always a little cocky within their  _own_  abilities.”

Eren knew exactly what Jean was getting at. Not relying on equipment, or, in his case, his Titan form, to get by. But was he right?

He looked around the table. Sasha, Armin…always a little unsure in their own respective ways when it came to Titans, always the ones who managed to get into the closest shaves with them. Mikasa, on the other hand, wasn’t arrogant, either, but she placed a lot of faith in her abilities, and she was one of the best around. Even more so, Rivaille…Rivaille was more than confident, and there wasn’t anyone better than him.

Eren stared at the table, fists clenched.

“Well, Eren?” Jean drawled. “Your verdict…?”

“You’re talking about balance,” Eren began uncertainly, “but I don’t see how small, petty things will help me.”

Jean shrugged. “Get a little self-motivation going?”

“No, what I mean is…when I actually do this, what am I going to get out of it?”

There was hush at the table as Jean’s smirk widened and Armin and Mikasa’s frowns deepened.

“I guess we’ll have to reward you,” Jean replied. “But hopefully, you’ll get something good out of it anyway.”

“ _We_? I don’t want to give Eren a present for being stupid!” Armin cried. “He’s making good decisions on his own!”

“We’re just going to keep going round in circles if I address that,” Jean said, irritated. “Can it, Armin.”

“Yeah,” Connie agreed, eager to see something that was both interesting and not life-threatening happen. “You don’t have to give him anything.”

Armin looked at Eren. “Eren, don’t do anything you wouldn’t normally, okay?”

Eren smiled smally. “Maybe I’ll stay within reason.” Even though he would do anything to prove Jean wrong.

Mikasa tugged her scarf up, still glaring at Jean. Her stare didn’t leave his face, a factor which, in other circumstances, might have been beneficial to Jean. Now, it was just unsettling.

“I’ll sharpen your swords,” Jean offered, turning away from Mikasa hastily.

“I’ll steal you some nice food!” Sasha declared, making Eren feel uncomfortable. He didn’t really like food _as_ much as Sasha does…

“I can do your chores tomorrow,” Connie stated. “I’ve got the day off, anyway.”

Eren wasn’t sure whether Connie’s offer was supposed to be some sort of great privilege in that Connie was giving up his spare time, or if it was supposed to sound kind of careless.

“We won’t rat you out,” Mikasa said finally. “Neither me nor Armin.”

“What?!” Armin exclaimed. He wasn’t going to let Eren do this, he couldn’t! Whatever ‘this’ was…

“Mikasa…” Eren said, looking at her. _Even she must think that Jean has a point…_

Mikasa didn’t make an acknowledgment, beyond nodding slightly. A confirmation.

“But you’re all doing something anyway now,” Eren stated, before he could stop himself. “If I do something, too, it’ll be stupid and pointless.”

_Criminals rewarding each other with the profit of their crimes…how unsavoury…_  

Eren started, wiping the Corporal’s voice out of his head.  _What the fuck?_  He looked at Rivaille, who was sitting a few tables away. The latter caught Eren’s glance with a bored expression, and Eren looked down immediately. 

“Which is why we gotta raise the stakes!” Connie said excitedly, in response to Eren’s statement. “Start with a bang!”

Everyone nodded, except for Armin, who still couldn’t believe that this was even happening.

“We’ll all be criminals by the end of this,” Armin said miserably. “So much for protecting the people…!”

Eren furrowed his brow. _Why have things gotten serious so suddenly? We’re not even real criminals, surely…_

“Some of us were criminals before this,” Jean said slowly, and some people looked at Connie.

“O-oi! I’m no criminal! Just a bit of a troublemaker!” Connie protested. “And only when it’s appropriate!”

“I thought the whole point of causing trouble was that it’s _in_ appropriate,” Sasha said, frowning.

“I’m not talking about you, Connie,” Jean said. “I’m talking about-”

“Rivaille,” Eren finished off.

There were a few gasps at the table as the volume of the conversation was lowered.

“So you’ve heard, too?” Jean asked, with a tone that suggested gossip about the person it was most unwise to gossip about, especially when he was only a few metres away.

“Corporal Rivaille?” Armin asked. “But he’s…”

“He’s too big for his own boots,” Mikasa muttered. Eren wasn’t sure that anyone else appreciated the irony of that statement.

“Scary!” Sasha chipped in. “Did you see how he kicked Eren the other day?”

Eren didn’t really know what to think about that.

“You should’ve seen him in the courtroom,” Armin said darkly, causing Mikasa’s frown to develop into something much more threatening.

“He says pain is the best type of discipline,” Jean announced. “Kind of sadistic, right?”

“Shh!” Armin said, worriedly. “He’s right there!”

“A soldier told me he was once in an underground crime ring,” Eren said, feeding the gossip. “He never listened to anyone, and he was supposed to be a notorious threat.”

“Does that mean…he’s killed humans before?” Sasha whispered.

Everyone on their table turned, painfully conspicuous, to look at Rivaille, who was just finishing off his dinner with that same uninterested expression on his face.

The Corporal looked up from his meal, meeting the kids’ stares.

“What are you staring at, you brats?”

Eren and his friends turned away quickly, Sasha squeaking in the process.

“Damn…I think I shat myself,” Connie said, breathing heavily. His remark gained a few giggles.

They stared at their plates for a while, waiting to lose Rivaille’s attention.

“It should be to do with him.” Jean declared.

“What!” Eren hissed. “I don’t want to die!”

“Relax, you won’t die,” Sasha replied. “You might lose your nose and be purple for a few days, but that’s not much to worry about!”

“I don’t want Eren getting involved with that man,” Mikasa said quietly.

Connie raised his eyebrows. “Er, Mikasa…we didn’t mean-”

“What? No!” Eren butted in quickly. “I’m not doing anything like that! I already spend enough time with him…”

Mikasa sighed. “Eren, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not stupid.”

“No, but it’s given me an idea,” Jean said, grinning.

Eren blanched. “No. No, no. Fuck this.”

“It’s too late to back out now, Eren,” Connie said. “You’re in it now!”

As Jean began to explain the details to Eren, there was only one thing the latter could say;

“Fuck.”

 


	2. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case anyone's noticed, i did in fact change this to past tense, because present just felt too ridiculous?  
> i hope nobody was expecting something super serious as the 'challenge' lol, it's an ambiguous time of no-titans, plans are being made, though

 

Eren couldn’t help but feel slightly worried (terrified) about what was going to go down (probably him) (not in that way) within the next half-hour. He still couldn’t quite get his head around why he even agreed to do this. Maybe it was because he subconsciously knew that he would regain any lost body parts, or maybe it was because he just wanted to prove to Jean that he would never come in second place.

As Armin so meticulously explained, after Eren agreed to the deal, this wasn’t really about improving one’s skills mentally; it was just a bit of reckless ‘fun’. Of course, Eren himself didn’t really realise this until Armin mentioned it, and that made the whole thing seem a little…pointless? Mostly because he was sure that this was not his idea of ‘fun’. But then, it was also like a game of tag, or hide-and-seek. Games of hide-and-seek were of irreplaceable importance in the world of children (and, arguably, the world of people who wanted to kill or avoid Titans), so _this_ ‘game’ was a level up, for teenagers.

He got to the meeting-point fifteen minutes early, and was immediately faced with Armin, who gave him a worried lecture, and support.

“Eren, it’s bad enough that you’re doing this, but do you really have to get here _fifteen minutes_ early?” Armin asked, being careful to keep his voice down.

Eren frowned. “But Armin, _you’re_ here.”

“I got here early to try and convince you not to do this,” Armin told him. “Eren, I can’t stop you from doing this, but hasn’t it crossed your mind that it might be slightly…stupid? What are you going to get out of this?”

_Yes_ , Eren thought, _that thought has crossed my mind several times_. It was somewhat ridiculous that it was being taken so seriously, especially as if Eren was told this story by someone else, if someone else was the one doing this, he would probably laugh for a very, very long time; which is saying a lot, because he hadn’t had much cause to laugh recently. It was likely that laughing was exactly what everyone else was doing; Eren crossed paths with Connie a few hours after breakfast (it’s been a day since the arrangement was made), and the latter couldn’t even maintain eye contact with him.

“I don’t know,” Eren admitted, honestly. “It’s stupid, but Jean is being an asshole again, and he won’t stop being one until I do this.”

“You’re doing exactly what you told me not to do! Never give in to the people who are making you feel weak! If you’re doing this to upstage Jean, there’s no point in doing it! Especially as Rivaille is probably going to hang you by your feet–”

“Hey, Eren, Armin,” Jean called. “You came!”

Eren turned to see Jean approaching from behind him, Sasha and Connie in tow.

“I’ve got to admit, I’m impressed,” Jean said. “I mean, if I were you, I wouldn’t do it.”

That caught Eren’s attention. “What?!””

“But that’s not important right now,” Jean continued, and Eren had half a mind to punch Jean in the face. “He’ll be coming around the corner in about five minutes. So, we’ll just hide in this closet here,” he said, tapping the closet door, “whereas you will be leaning on the wall, not looking out of place. Then, when you’re ready, and he’s gone past, you do it. But make sure you knock on the door when you see him coming past. We want to see what happens.”

Eren noticed that Armin looked like he very much did _not_ want to see what happens.

“Wait a second,” Armin said slowly. “How do you know that he’s coming here in five minutes?”

Jean looked at Sasha and Connie, who looked away sheepishly. “These two do a lot of sneaking around,” he explained. “It’s easy to notice routine when you’re constantly on the lookout for people.”

_It doesn’t really seem like Sasha’s style to sneak around,_ Eren thought suspiciously. _But it doesn’t really matter, so long as she’s right, right?_

Connie reached to open to closet door, but Jean stopped him. “Hang on,” Jean began. “Where’s…where’s Mikasa?”

Armin and Eren exchanged a glance. Where _was_ Mikasa? It wasn’t like her to not be around Eren, especially not in a situation like this.

Armin hummed thoughtfully. “She said something about having something she needed to do, but I don’t really know…”

“I don’t know, either,” Eren said. It was somewhat odd that Mikasa told Armin, but not him. It wasn’t that it was unusual for her to tell Armin something; they were all best friends, in a sense. It was just strange that Mikasa _didn’t_ tell _him_.

“You don’t know? But you never leave her alone!” Jean snapped bitterly. “We need her to be here!”

“You need to stop trying to get her into a closet with you!” Eren spat.

Jean flushed red. “That’s not what this is about,” he hissed. “What kind of douchebag would take a pretty girl into a closet with him when there are _two other people_ in it?”

Sasha and Connie both wore unreadable expressions, but it was fairly easy to confirm that they were both very, very confused. Eren heard Sasha mumbling something about this not being worth giving her food to someone else for.

“Hey, I think I heard footsteps,” Armin interrupted, looking around.

Everyone straightened up and looked very much like rabbits caught in the carriage torchlight; the silence that followed as everyone listened out for said footsteps was more than impressive. The only sound that could be heard, however, was a bit of rustling as their clothes moved with the consequent movement from their breathing.

“What are we waiting for?” Connie demanded. “I’m not being kicked in the crotch like _you_ were. You probably can’t have kids anymore.”

Eren didn’t really think that it was fair for Connie to say that, especially when he wasn’t even going into the closet, so it wasn’t his fault that Connie hadn’t. “Stop bringing that up,” he muttered.

“Eren, maybe that’s just a bit of déjà vu kicking in,” Sasha theorised. “Maybe Connie is the god of…prediction!”

Connie groaned. “You need to stop calling people gods every time they do something.”

Sasha’s nose wrinkled. “I don’t call _everyone_ a god.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jean interjected. “I’m sick of all this god talk! We need to get in the closet, Mikasa or not.”

As Jean, Connie, and Sasha pushed their way into it, Armin shot Eren a concerned look. Eren didn’t have the heart to meet his glance, and looked away. There was a soft sigh, and the sound of the closet door closing.

All jokes aside, it was oddly quiet. Connie and Sasha managing not to talk for more than half a minute was an admirable feat. Eren pushed away from the closet, leaning on the opposite side of the wall. What was he supposed to do until Rivaille turned up? What if he didn’t at all? Even worse, what if he _stopped_? It felt like it had been a very long five minutes.

Eren looked around, listening carefully for the sound of footsteps. Armin was clearly lying about hearing them, probably to save Eren’s skin. It did look like yet another session of bickering was going to start up, but, as usual, Armin was there to say something smart. But, in any case, Rivaille was very light on his feet. Eren wouldn’t be surprised if he suddenly appeared around the corner (except he would be, because who wouldn’t?)

This particular building was set out like a square; the rooms were all towards the centre of it, whereas the corridor lined the perimeter. There was one door that led outside, which, irritatingly, was on the other side of the building. Eren wasn’t self-deprecating enough to think that he might not be able to outrun Rivaille for half a building, even it was one of the larger ones.

_What_ is _this building for, anyway?_ Eren wondered. _It looks like it’s used for storage. That would make sense…I never see anything cleaning-related lying around…_

A pulse of ire rushed over him. What kind of idiot would indulge others with this stupid game? Apparently, him. What was going on? This was no way for someone with the weight of humanity’s survival on their shoulders to act.

Despite everything, he started to feel a little more than nervous. How would Rivaille take this? There was only one way he could, really. Like hell he’d assume it was a prank set up by others. He’d just think it was Eren being an idiot. Coming from anyone else, that wouldn’t be too bad. But with Rivaille, it was _very_ bad, and possibly dangerous.

“Crap, I can’t do this!” he thought aloud.

“Talking to yourself, brat?”

_Fuck!_

Of course he’d turn up now. Of course he would. And by the sound of it, he was in a bad mood. When wasn’t he?

“Corporal! I didn’t expect to see you here,” Eren greeted him instinctually. _Crap, I’ve engaged him in conversation! In a really stupid way, too…_

Rivaille, as always, looked unimpressed. “Yes, what a strange coincidence it is that we see each other in a corridor. What are you doing here?”

Eren paused. “Just getting a bit of fresh air.”

_Wait, shit._

Rivaille raised an eyebrow. “Inside?”

“…Yes,” Eren replied, eventually.

There was a moment of silence as Eren struggled to keep eye contact with the Corporal. It was exactly the same as it was yesterday; the best way to describe his eyes would be ‘stormy’, and not in a poetic way – more like ‘vaguely threatening, and grey’.

“You’re acting strange, Jaeger,” Rivaille stated slowly. “Go to sleep.”

Eren frowned. Rivaille must’ve been accustomed to Eren talking about killing Titans, which, in all fairness, was the main content of his life. But what else was there to do? There was nobody to talk to in that crummy little cell he had to stay in, so of course the topic in mind would be Titans. He understood that some people were scared of them; in fact, most were, but there was no point not addressing it, it would be much better if everyone just faced the facts and–

There was a frustrated tapping sound coming from the closet, and Eren jolted out of his state of hatred for long enough to realise that Rivaille had gone. He hurriedly looked around the corner to see him walking off at a relatively slow pace, clearly not in a rush.  Eren barely remembered to knock on the door of the closet, to give Jean the ‘okay’. He then started walking hastily, as quickly as he could, after the Corporal.

It wouldn’t take much longer to catch up with him. Rivaille was fast, but in terms of casual walking, Eren’s legs were a lot longer, which was a bit of a winning factor. _Hopefully, it’ll help with speed_ , Eren’s internal voice said. _I’m going to need it_.

He tried to stay quiet, crouching slightly to help him with what he was about to do. He was closing the gap much more quickly than the smarter part of his brain wanted him to, and he started to think, _maybe this isn’t the best idea._

He glanced behind him to see Jean, Armin, Sasha, and Connie watching him, with somewhat anticipating expressions on their faces. They were treating it like some sort of show. Of course they would; that’s what it was. It was proof of the more useless part of Eren’s courage. He shouldn’t need to prove himself to an idiot like Jean, but there he was, doing exactly that.

His heart thumped fast, and it hit him suddenly that he was getting nervous about something as stupid and petty as this, when he could normally go out and crush a few Titans’ faces.

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit–_

“Jaeger, what are you doing?” Rivaille’s uncanny ability to tell who’s there without even seeing them was the most irritating and inconvenient thing that had ever existed. The jig was up now, but he was too close to turn back or skive out of it. He just had to do it.

There was a painful moment of suspense as Eren slowly stretched out his hand and–

_Smack._

He had done it. Eren Jaeger had managed to do the most stupid thing any human being could possibly do (and, seeing as he _wasn’t_ really a human being, he had probably broken some form of pseudo-Titan etiquette).  Jean was a fucking liar, there were no pros to do with anything concerning this–

Except, _damn_ , that was one fine ass.

“Eren Jaeger,” Rivaille hissed, in the most disbelieving voice possible, “did you just _slap_ my goddamn–”

But Eren was already running as fast as his legs could carry him. He heard a quiet snort from Connie, and thought, _fuck you,_ and also, _I have no idea where to go._

Of course he would only realise now that there was nowhere Rivaille couldn’t beat the shit out of him. The thing with being part of a trio was that not everything will be his thing. Thinking things over until they become an integrated part in one’s long-term memory was Armin’s thing, and, not for the first time, Eren had completely overlooked the fact that Armin had been offering to help him from the second this stupid idea came about.

Part of him hoped that Rivaille had miraculously deemed this not something worth kicking Eren in the stomach for, or even questioning, but that would be too much to ask. A game of catch-the-sort-of-Titan had ensued, a game which would probably result in some sort of pain. As it always was with games, there was an audience; Jean, Armin, Connie, and Sasha were all trailing after them. Armin bore an expression of sheer horror, whereas the other three were in hysterics. The more selfish part of Eren hoped that Rivaille would find beating the crap out of the (hopefully obvious) instigators of the ‘challenge’ more suitable, but the world just didn’t work that way.

It was a miracle that Rivaille hadn’t got to him yet. He rushed around a corner, not out of breath, only to bump right into another person he really did not want to talk to at that present moment in time – Hanji.

“Eren!” Hanji grinned widely, stopping him with a hand on the shoulder. “Just the guy I was looking for!”

Eren looked behind him, panicking. “Hanji–”

“I was just wondering if you would mind letting me do a few tests? Oh, they’re routine, don’t worry. Nothing crazy at this hour! You’re in a rush to get to bed, right? So I won’t keep you for too long!”

Eren made a face, fidgeting. “Can we do this in the morning, Hanji?”

“Ah, but they’re to do with how tired you are,” Hanji argued, rummaging around in a bag. “So it’s really better if we do them now! I promise they won’t hurt!”

“I’ll still be tired in the morning,” Eren said, starting to become agitated. _Why the hell were all these important officials wandering around in one building?_ “I really need to go–”

And there came the footsteps from around the corner. Rivaille did a really good job of managing to be short and intimidating, something which was somewhat difficult when the things most commonly accepted as terrifying were over four metres tall.

Hanji beamed. “Oh, Rivaille! Can you convince Eren to let me do some tests on him?”

Eren turned, feeling as if time had slowed down. It wasn’t that he was particularly terrified of Rivaille – it was just fucking embarrassing.

“I want to talk to him, first,” Rivaille said. The only sign of fury was that his fists were clenched, something which was easy to overlook. “I hope you can make do with whatever remains.”

Hanji, irritatingly, looked only slightly surprised, and nowhere near concerned enough. “Well, ideally, I’d like him in one piece! What’s going on?”

“Nothing of your concern,” Rivaille snapped. “I don’t even know what’s going through that non-existent mind of his.”

Eren slowly raised his hand to pry Hanji’s off his shoulder. _Damn it, is there cement on that hand?_

“Is Eren in an unusual state of mind?” Hanji asked elatedly. “That’s something I should note down, just give me a second–”

As Hanji reached into the bag yet again to find something to write some notes on, Eren managed to break free of that iron-grip, and sprinted off down the corridor, yet again.

“Oi, Eren!” Hanji shouted. “Where are you going?”

_Preferably onto some sort of high shelf,_ Eren replied mentally, rushing around yet another corner, only to realise that he had missed the fucking exit; this was where he started, there was that stupid closet, and he’d either have to turn back and run into Rivaille again, or keep running. Only an idiot would trap himself in another room, so he only really had one choice.

As it turned out, he was met with another choice; to be caught by Rivaille, which was exactly what happened.

He felt the kick on his back before he saw or even heard Rivaille coming; quite frankly, he was lucky he managed to outrun him for that long.  He crashed into the wall with an embarrassing lack of control.

“What the fuck do you think you’re playing at?” Rivaille demanded, grabbing Eren’s shoulders with a painful amount of force.

Eren couldn’t think of anything reasonable to say, so he just resorted to blurting out, “It’s a game!”

“A game? Do you think this is funny?” Rivaille questioned, digging his fingers into the space above Eren’s collarbones. “The last thing I need is another stupid brat trailing after me like some sort of puppy.”

_Oh, crap. He doesn’t get it; he’s taking it_ that _way. How else would he take it?_ Eren felt his face heating up; he felt the colour spreading through it with humiliation, which, of course, didn’t cast the best image. “A-another?”

“Yes, another. Do you think you’re the first one who’s tried something with me?”

_No, no, shit, I didn’t mean it in that way_ –

“Corporal, I don’t–”

Rivaille slammed Eren’s torso back onto the wall. “Don’t play dumb.”

Eren was more furious than he had been for a long while. He had half a mind to bite his thumb, track Jean down, and squash him under his foot; but that wouldn’t accomplish anything, especially as Rivaille would probably slice his neck open first. There was no way in the entire history of humanity that Rivaille would believe that this was Jean’s idea; the two of them had never even had a proper conversation, so why would Jean go out of his way to mess with him (nobody would get that it was, in fact, _Eren_ who was being messed with).

“I’m not playing dumb,” he protested angrily. “I mean it!”

Rivaille’s eyes narrowed, and he was just about to open his mouth to say something, but someone else did, instead.

“Oh!” Hanji’s voice sounded, and Eren and Rivaille both whipped their heads around to see not only Hanji, but Jean, Armin, Sasha, and Connie standing a few metres away.

Connie and Sasha exchanged a look, and Jean raised his eyebrows. _I want to kick that smug fuck in the face_ –

“So, Eren, that’s where you went!” Jean said, in a painfully, unfortunately convincing tone of voice. “Off to a late-night rendezvous with some Corporal. Figures.”

“Fuck you, Jean,” Eren hissed, but caught Armin’s eye, and stopped.

Armin looked so utterly bewildered and genuinely worried that it was hard to ignore. But what was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to explain this to Rivaille and ask for Armin’s opinion at the same time?

But it appeared that Rivaille was on his side, even if it was just for one minute. “This…isn’t what it looks like.”

“Ah, that would explain why Eren’s face is red, right?” Hanji countered, in a somehow knowing-yet-completely-wrong voice.

“Let go,” Eren muttered, and, for once, Rivaille listened to someone who was below him in the military hierarchy, and let go.

“I must admit, I didn’t expect this! Okay, maybe I did have my suspicions, but I thought he would be a little too young for you, Rivaille. Maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought I did!”

Eren groaned. He didn’t even need to dig himself a hole to lie in; Hanji was doing a perfectly good job for him.

Neither Rivaille nor Eren could think of anything to say in the face of five very mislead witnesses, which, of course, didn’t serve them well at all.

“I’m going to go to bed now,” Eren said stiffly, after a long and awkward silence.

Rivaille stepped back to allow Eren to leave, not looking at him.

As Eren walked around the building the long way, so as to avoid Jean and the rest of them, he wondered if he and Armin could come up with a solution to this, how on Earth Rivaille would manage to explain this to Hanji before it got out to the rest of the Scouting Legion, and if he would still be alive tomorrow morning.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah im probably not as funny as i think i am ;p  
> all jokes aside, this will develop off a feeew more, less 'big' challenges, as well as the consequences of this one


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this took so long, my computer is lagging a lot and word kept crashin. that stressful life u no. im gonna address your comments at the endddd  
> ps, thank you so much for liking this! i think it's just a bit of simple fun, but haha, jeez...i'm glad you guys actually think it's funny, i never write something and wink to myself thinking "oh man i am a comedic genius. that line was great". i just blunder through words blindly/ anyway yeah!!!

When Eren woke up, he felt as if nothing out of the usual was wrong – people were giving him judgmental stares, killing Titans was still on his agenda, he got called ‘freak’ at least once, and he still got pissed off about it. In short, all was normal in the hazy world humans knew as ‘the morning’.

It wasn’t until Eren walked into the dining hall and laughter broke out from Connie and Jean’s direction that he remembered what happened yesterday, wrenching him of his morning daze. It was only a matter of time until he remembered, but he would’ve preferred to have a realisation like that whilst brushing his teeth alone, not whilst standing in front of a large portion of the military and one of the biggest douches he had ever encountered. 

He cringed as he remembered bringing his hand forward, and the awfully memorable ‘slap’ sound that followed. What was worse was that it was a nice ass, so in a sense, he didn’t regret it, but he also did, because it was a dare, and it resulted in his head getting bashed against a wall.

It had, of course, only gotten better (and by better, he meant four thousand times worse) when Hanji took it as something else, and Jean played up to it, ramping the whole thing up as high as it could go. The only thing that somewhat reassured Eren was that Rivaille was probably embarrassed about it, too, and perhaps he could talk it out with him, and they would forget it ever happened – but no, that was complete and utter bullshit, Rivaille wouldn’t ‘forgive’ him, and he certainly wouldn’t forget it.

Fire bubbled up in Eren’s chest as he felt the need to break Jean’s nose – it was his idea, and hell, he had probably anticipated how things would go down. His little ‘Eren, that’s where you went! Who would’ve known!’ speech was all too convincing, far too much so to be a spur-of-the-moment deal. He knew Rivaille would be there because Sasha and Connie knew the routine in that building, so of course he knew that Hanji would be around then, too. The fact that he got outsmarted by a dick like Jean was so ridiculous that he could hardly believe that it had happened.

Standing there fuming obviously wasn’t the most dignified thing to do, because now Sasha had fallen prey to the hysteria, too. The ruckus was causing some other people to look over, and glance at Eren questioningly. Mikasa, thankfully, didn’t look amused – Armin was sitting next to her, so he had probably explained yesterday evening’s events.

Eren marched over to Jean, who continued to laugh in his face, and slammed his fist down onto the table.

“You think this is funny?” Eren demanded.

“I don’t know,” Jean replied, trying to stop himself from laughing. “What do you think?”

Connie rubbed his stomach. “This whole thing has got me ripped,” he said proudly, and Sasha elbowed him, causing both of them to burst out laughing again.

Eren bristled at that. So they thought him being the laughing stock of everyone and not getting a thing out of it was quality entertainment? _This whole thing was a scam_ , he thought angrily, and straightened up, ready to throw a nice punch, when he noticed that they had all stopped laughing, and instead were staring past him with very restrained expressions on their faces.

He jolted as there was a sudden hand on his shoulder, and a soft voice said, “Morning, darling.”

Much to his horror, before he could react, Rivaille let his hand slide off his shoulder slowly, almost _regretfully_ , and continued walking, before sitting down on his own table. Hanji beamed at him, and leaned forward with her hands clasped together. There was a wolf whistle as Eren looked on, shocked.

He turned back to his table, and Jean’s jaw had dropped.

“ _That_ wasn’t part of the plan,” Connie muttered, and shot Jean a questioning look.

Eren stared at the floor. _What the fuck was that?_

“Eren,” Mikasa asked, immediately at his side. “What’s going on?”

“I..I don’t know,” Eren answered honestly, and slowly sank into his seat opposite Armin. “I don’t know.”

Jean was spooning porridge into his mouth quickly and distractedly, avoiding eye contact with anyone.

“Oh, so it’s _complicated_ ,” Sasha cooed, waving her hand.

Armin looked at her. “Sasha, it only happened yesterday, and you were in on it!”

“What only happened yesterday?”  Reiner asked, sitting down with Bertholdt; clearly, they were drawn to the commotion _. Great, just great_ , Eren thought bitterly.

“I don’t think I wanna know,” Connie groaned, covering his ears. “I didn’t think this would result in Eren getting–”

“Shut up, that’s not what happened!” Eren snapped pre-emptively, shooting a resentful glance at Rivaille’s back, and that was what gave the (non-existent) game away.

Reiner looked at Eren, scrutinising. “His hair is kind of messy,” he noted, making brief eye contact with Bertholdt, not unlike the way Sasha and Connie would exchange that _look_ , and then turning back to Eren. “Wait, you and the Corporal…?”

“No!” Eren and Mikasa shouted at the same time.

“Hey, I’m not judging.” Reiner held up his hands defensively, but it didn’t help anything. The number one rule for well, anything, was not to contribute unless you knew exactly what was going on, and there was absolutely no way Reiner could. “If you want advice about anything, you can always ask me.”

“What part of ‘no’ don’t you people understand?” Eren groaned, massaging his temples.

“It’s okay, Eren,” Sasha said soothingly. “I got you breakfast.”

Eren made a face. “I’m not hungry.”

Sasha tried to look disappointed, but it was unconvincing; so much so that people were able to tear their focus from the topic at hand (Rivaille and Eren), and look at her. “Oh, well! Waste not want not, eh, Eren? Would you mind if I just-“

Mikasa snatched the bowl away from Sasha. “No. Eren needs to eat.”

“Eren needs to stop feeling sorry for himself,” Jean stated, finally finishing his meal – it appeared that, at long last, he had formulated some sort of worthy retaliation to Rivaille’s unexpected approach to the whole thing.

“Yeah, he got laid!” Connie said, folding his arms.

“For the last time, I didn’t get–”

“What’s this about someone getting laid?” came yet another voice; Ymir, with Christa. “I have to say, I didn’t expect any of you to get lucky.”

Connie tensed – it was well known that his and Ymir’s personalities clashed. “Thanks, Ymir! Always great to hear a compliment at eight in the morning.”

Eren was distinctly aware of some of the other tables talking crap about them; the more mature people in the room didn’t exactly want to hear a bunch of teenagers bickering.

“Good morning, Christa!” Sasha beamed politely, trying to start a side conversation with Christa, only to be shot down with a glare from Ymir, who had ignored Connie’s quip altogether.

“Potato Girl,” Ymir greeted her. “Aren’t you going to say good morning to me, too?”

“We’re annoying everyone,” Armin pointed out quietly – clearly, Eren was not the only one who noticed. Mikasa looked vaguely aware of the other people in the room, too, as did Bertholdt – but he always looked anxious.

Ymir squashed herself on the table, making the already tight fit even tighter; especially when Christa squeezed in next to her. “I actually came over here to tell you to shut up, but something interesting was happening, so now I want to hear it.”

Sasha and Connie looked distinctly uncomfortable with Ymir’s presence – it was no secret that Ymir didn’t like either of them, and despite Sasha feeling that she was indebted to her, she still indulged in occasional ranting about her with Connie. It was clear that the stability of the conversation wasn’t going to last much longer, and that was what Eren was relying on.

Eren glared long and hard at Jean, who looked pretty damn pleased with himself. It was easy to forget that Jean was actually quite smart; not quite as smart as Armin, but still.

“You knew,” Eren said angrily, pointing at him. “You knew what would happen! You knew that Hanji would be there.”

Jean shrugged. “I knew it was a possibility, but nothing worth warning you about.”

“Nothing worth warning me about?” Eren repeated, through gritted teeth. “I would’ve rather gotten beaten up again than be the centre of this!”

“Eren,” Mikasa said sharply, but Eren was in no mood to listen.

“Can we please just calm down?” Christa pleaded.

Ymir nodded. “Yeah, I still don’t know what’s going on.”

“We’re going to get extra chores for being obnoxious,” Connie complained, slumping down in his seat.

Eren whipped his head around. “And you! You were the one who told him about the schedule, weren’t you? You and Sasha! You didn’t even think of telling me, did you?”

Connie held up his hands defensively, while Sasha laughed sheepishly. “Oi, don’t blame me! Jean just asked us for our cleverly created timetable,” he said, pulling something out of his jacket’s pocket. A piece of brown parchment, covered with what was probably dried up food. “I knew nothing about this game when he asked.”

“Hey, let me see that,” Ymir demanded, reaching over. Connie jumped up, shaking his head.

“Get your own, we worked hard on this,” he snapped, stuffing it back in his pocket protectively.

“Maybe we should discuss this,” Armin suggested, trying to decrease the volume of the conversation. “We can hear what Eren thinks about this, seeing as it is affecting him, after all.”

“Let Eren speak,” Reiner agreed, switching the focus back to him.

Eren wrinkled his noise up. “Jean convinced me that it’d be a good idea to do something stupid, because I’d get some sort of benefit out of it. I didn’t, and they,” he stopped, pointing at Connie, Sasha, and Jean, “promised they would do some of my work. I had to…I had to slap Lance Corporal Rivaille’s ass.”

“Oh ho ho,” Ymir remarked, whistling. “Ouch! Still, if you were actually stupid enough to do it, I guess that’s as far as my sympathy goes.”

_I agree,_ Eren thought dismally. “Yeah, that’s not all. He didn’t get that it wasn’t me making a pass at him; I don’t think it even crossed his mind that Jean set it up. He had me up against the wall, and–”

Ymir raised her eyebrows as Mikasa grabbed Eren’s arm. “What? What did he do to you?”

“No, no! Not like that! He was just going to beat me up, I guess,” Eren corrected himself quickly.

“Yeah, because that’s so much better,” Connie mumbled dryly.

“It looked like we were, you know. Doing stuff. And then, Hanji walked in on us,” he finished off, ignoring a patronising snort from Jean, “and made a big deal out of it.”

Reiner hummed thoughtfully, resting his chin on his hand. “So, that’s where we are now, eh?”

“Oh, no, that’s not it,” Jean interjected. “The Corporal just came in and greeted Eren like he would a _lover_.”

“They didn’t kiss, though,” Mikasa added fiercely.

Eren tensed up, giving anyone who dared to look convinced by anyone that wasn’t on his side the dirtiest look he could manage.

 “The only thing you can do is talk to Rivaille about it,” Armin said eventually, tapping his hands on the table as he thought. “I’m sure he’d listen if you talked to him.”

“He didn’t listen last night,” Eren replied miserably.

“That’s never good in a relationship,” Ymir commented, and only a few people noticed the double-entendre.

Eren groaned, shoving his now-cold bowl of porridge away from him. “This is stupid; this was a stupid idea. How is anyone supposed to take me seriously now?”

Jean leant back in his seat. “Well, Eren, how about this: if you do three more tasks,” he said, waggling three fingers, “I’ll personally explain to Rivaille that the whole thing was my idea.”

“Get lost, you’ve already screwed things up,” Eren rebuked. “I can explain it to Rivaille myself.”

“Well, you better do it now,” Ymir advised, pointing over Eren’s shoulder. “It looks like he’s finished with breakfast.”

Eren jumped out of his seat. “What?!”

Sure enough, Rivaille was meticulously cleaning up his plates, and it looked like he was the first out of his group to be done. Knowing him, he had some important business to attend to, so he wouldn’t stick around.

Eren had no idea what to say that would convince him. Was an apology appropriate? How would he take it? He knew that Rivaille didn’t really have any intention of severely hurting him, but still, only an idiot wouldn’t be at least a little bit intimidated by him.

Everyone at his table looked at him, as if to say, ‘are you going to go for it?’

Like hell he wasn’t.

He ran over, somewhat unnecessarily, to Rivaille’s table, drawing his superiors’ attention to him.

“Ah, Eren!” Hanji said, standing up. “Are you here for some tests, or are you here for something else?”

_Damn it, I promised to do some tests this morning,_ Eren recalled whilst shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Hanji, I’ll do them in a minute, but, Corporal Rivaille, I want to talk to you.”

Rivaille looked over his shoulder, and gave him the usual bored expression, which was a breath of fresh air, ironically. “Why?”

Eren looked around. “Can I tell you outside?”

Rivaille sighed, turning around completely. “Alright.”

Eren looked at him, and then at his table, before leaving the dining hall, waiting for Rivaille to step outside with him.

Rivaille shut the door behind him, and Eren considered it extremely fortunate that there was nobody around outside. It seemed like Rivaille had got his payback – maybe they were even now. Still, a little explanation was in order.

“What is it, kid?” Rivaille asked, looking very much as if he did not want to be there.

“It’s about yesterday evening,” Eren blurted out. “I just wanted to apologise. I tried to explain it to you, it was a–”

“I know it was a joke,” Rivaille cut him off. “What, do you think I was being completely serious back then? You think I’m reciprocating?”

Eren stopped. “Wait, what?”

“You wanted to play a prank on me,” Rivaille replied simply. “And damn, it worked. Hanji would not shut up about you last night.”

There was nothing Eren could say – he didn’t have a clue what Rivaille was on about.

“Don’t worry, though, Eren. I did a perfect job of playing along.”

Eren was stumped. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I follow.”

Rivaille leant back on the wall, folding his arms. “You wanted to make me look stupid in front of my friends. I don’t know or care why. You’re a teenager. Some sort of bullshit initiation ritual, I presume.”

This was not good. Rivaille got that it was a joke, but what he didn’t get was that it was not him who was truly being pranked – it was Eren, it was absolutely, definitely Eren. “No, no, Corporal, you don’t get it–”

“What’s not to understand?” Rivaille interrupted. “You came up with it, not me.”

There was no way Eren could explain it to him, now. He was so stuck on his theory that weaning him off it would be impossible. Eren didn’t even understand it himself; it wasn’t his plan to begin with. “But then, why…”

Rivaille pushed himself off the wall, and walked over to where Eren was standing. “It’s humiliating having your peers think you’re in a relationship with someone you’re not, isn’t it? I can see it on your face; I’m pretty sure your friends were convinced by my little greeting.”

Before Eren could say anything else, Rivaille raked a hand through Eren’s hair, messing it up further, and tugged his jacket. “There’s nothing going on right now,” he continued. “Everyone will drop this the next time we get called out to do something useful. But until then, you’ll have to deal with the mess you’ve made.”

Just as Rivaille disappeared out of sight, round a corner, Hanji burst through the dining hall door.

“Eren, are you done?” Hanji inquired, clicking what looked like a syringe. “Where’s Rivaille?”

Eren fidgeted distractedly, playing everything over in his head.   _Why did he mess up my hair like that?_ “He had stuff to do.”

Hanji hummed, glancing at Eren’s hair and clothes. “If it’s not too nosy of me to ask, Eren, what were you doing? It might affect the tests.”

Just like that, Rivaille’s actions suddenly made sense. _I look all disorderly; it must look like I was just getting intimate with someone_. “I wasn’t doing anything, we were just talking!”

Hanji, however, did not look convinced. “Lying will affect your safety, you know. And my faith in you! I have to trust you!”

Eren clenched his fists. There really was no way out of it. If Hanji, the smartest out of all of them, believed this, then he really was screwed. Hanji had seen ‘evidence’, and that was all that was needed to solidify this. The only thing he could do was get another witness to sort it out…

With great reluctance, Eren resigned himself to the fact that the only thing he could do was accept Jean’s offer. After all, there were only three things he had to do, right?

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure how happy i am with this chapter! i just wanted it to be like "eren, nobody is on your side"  
> i'd like to write more serious stuff at one point, but for now, i'll stay in my comfort zone u_u; yall know how much people like it when certain characters do the do, you know what i mean? i don't want to try that sort of stuff until i'm ready...  
> this is the most srs bsns chapter, + this fic obviously isnt gonna be that long!!! ok now for points i want to mention uwu
> 
> 1\. "this is hilarious!"  
> you have my sense of humour, you are great. thank you.
> 
> 2\. "this gives off the sense that they are teenagers, and love to screw around." "this soothes the pain."  
> thank you! attack on titan is very, very serious and i get upset over it regularly, maybe this is some sort of silly jokefic support group, haha. i am glad it soothes the pain. i kept writing marco's lines and then remembering "o snap"....
> 
> 3\. "panty raid"  
> maaybe ;o

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaas i hope you can tell, this is going to be really light-hearted u _ u wowee, i hope its not TOO ooc jfc. ya wanna know how hard it was to think of exclamatory phrases that werent "oh my god", because do they have a god there, in that universe? no probably not
> 
> ps i dont want to tick any gender boxes because like? ? ? idk i dont want to confine myself to like ONE type of ship ya get me. armin will actually get listened to like the characters that set the agenda of this conversation are acting kind of douchey so thats why armin cant get a word in really 
> 
> sorry for typos etc haha i need to make the paragraphs longer for the next chapter or w/e, anyone got any ideas what erens got 2 do ((ihave. multiple ideas. if i didnt that would be problematic aha)) but yeah there are going to be more things after the one to follow until things gather their bearings you know??
> 
> PS THIS WILL UPDATE MORE SLOWLY AFTER CHAP.2 OK


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